Fear, Envy, Malice...

Why do I insist on doing such things? There seems to be no control of mind over body, a hormonal rush to the head results in me careening off-road, a roller-coaster ride ...the path ending suddenly and me falling off the face of the planet!
There we are, back to where I started...alone...with just one difference - there's yet another part in my heart eating itself out, at the rate at which I am moving from one disaster to another - not much of my heart will remain and I can start on the lungs!
Jealousy eats into me...why does it become so murky and mixed up? Professional spills over into the personal and vice versa...there is a double blow on my ego that sends me screaming, arms flailing over the edge...into an abyss. How is it that personal rejection transforms into professional oneupmanship?
It torments me - unable to reconcile being a lesser woman and more importantly a lesser success (I know...there is no such thing...but can't bear to proclaim myself a failure!). How can it all come together so horribly well for someone else and so spectacularly wrong for me?
Self-pity - the easiest thing to sink into at this stage...an almost mind-numbing state of pain. It threatens to burst out of me any moment, taking control of me, pushing me from human to monster, debasing me. It simmers under the surface, slipping out in sharp comments, laced with bitterness and malice, uncharacteristically humorless.
Why can't I find people who can accept me as I am - warts and all? I know...too many warts, but still. There should be some place in this world for us ugly ones, right? Someone who can look beyond that should not be impossible to find - or maybe there is nothing beyond that. I don't know - one of these days I will wake up, not want to see my face ever again and action upon that thought.
Is it wrong to act upon impulses regardless of consequence, is it not possible to be free, uncaring, with even one's friends? Maybe these aren't friends...this is so confusing! Why don't I have any other choices in life?