Traditional Families

I was watching this Tamil movie - "Yaaradi Nee Mohini" - which features what the filmmaker thinks is a traditional Iyengar family. The filmmaker's idea of orthodoxy struck me as silly, an immature attempt at slapstick, and definitely not funny. But this post is not about that. The story goes that this traditional family is the one forcing the heroine into a marriage she doesnt want. Not by brute force, but just the burden of expectations.
That set of a train of thought on how tradition and the families hidebound to it, shape the lives of women in India, and possibly elsewhere. I can't talk of other countries, or possibly even other cultures within India, so I'll stick to Iyengardom, as I know it.
Typical scenario, the family (nuclear also), and its immediate surroundings are seeped in "tradition". Tradition means celebrating every festival with ALL the rituals, no matter how impractical. Every religious occasion - new moon, full moon, crescents in between, month beginning, month end, saturday, tuesday, thursday and all days in between - are observed with appropriate piety. Men and women, supposedly have assigned roles and should stick to them, with..ahem...exceptions.
This is carried to the extreme and results in ridiculous situations! Like the time my aunt me I couldn't join a new job on a pre-set date - it was a Navami (god knows whats wrong with the number 9, other religions praise it!). I had to explain to her that the corporate world works just a tad differently and I better join if I wanted to have a job! Or the fact that my mom insists that dad and I get out of the house first, whenever the family goes out - threes are unlucky, see! I tell my mom she should have planned better - can't estrange herself from my father every 5 minutes to make up!
These things might sound harmless enough, but they are like ivy, creeping up on you slowly, choking the life out of you, slowly...very slowly. There are constant irritants that leave you longing to escape, leave you shaking your head in disbelief. See, its not all backward - thats the most incidious part of the situation. These families educate their women, send them to work even, but still they have to follow TRADITION, no matter how much it harms their lifestyle!
Its not done through coercion, its done through conditioning. For a long time, I beleived that having a period was "unclean"...something to be ashamed of! Biology classes didn't help - this was Madras and no one explained very clearly what was happening. I had to (and still do) sleep separately, on a plank (that has changed now, after some 15 years) with a rexin pillow. I was given water in a separate bottle and had to stick to one chair (only) for 3 days - these things continue even today! I couldn't go into the kitchen (that one I don't do anyways ;-))...I couldn't go near the gods for sure...I couldn't take the food plate from my mom's hands - had to pick it off the floor, no matter I had cramps that left me (and still do) crying out loud! Oh, by the way, I had to bear the pain of those cramps - tablets were considered harmful! Pain that left me confused, bewildered, wondering how my mom couldn't understand my suffering, pain I couldn't share with others - it made me feel guilty.
Enough of icky things, there are other "important" things you say? Let me tell you something - I hit puberty at 11, I am 29 now - that makes it 18 years now, 216 periods in all, 648 days or nearly 2 years of pain, humilaition and irritation. How would you take it? Do tell...and I'm not alone. I had classmates, friends all through who were meted out this treatment in varying degrees. Girls who were turning into women, with no idea what that meant...who were expected to study and perform as well as the boys, with none of the freedoms that the guys took for granted.
But, there are other things, even more dangerous. Marriage, most important of all. Again, drawing from experience, it took till age 18, when I reached college for me to question, accept and like the idea that "love" marriages are ok, they are not done by "bad" girls. This probably explains why I've lurched from one dysfunctional relationship to another since then - but I'll save that for another post.
Traditional families rear their girls on a staple of "Good girls listen to their parents". Good girls wait till after education, marry a groom chosen by their parents, have babies and "settle down" whatever that means! Good girls know that to look at men before marriage is "bad", to fall in "love" sacrilege, and to actually have a marriage for "love" unthinkable! Love was (and is) a four-letter foul word in these families. Marriages are "arranged" - horoscopes are matched, families are investigated, wealth and education are assessed. Likes and dislikes didn't matter - the girl is expected to "adjust", even today! Things have changed, even my friends claim! Oh yes, they have - "love" marriages are ok now, as long as the bride and groom are from the same community, earn similar amounts. Money makes up for a lot of shortcomings, you know.
This "progressive" outlook is what makes moms (all of them) I meet say, its ok, you girls (unmarried women like me), are free to choose your guy - just ensure they are Brahmin, Tamil, working in US/UK, earning a lot, are educated like you. Ha! I can look for a partner for life, just that he should be tailored to their requirements than mine. Some marriage that would be. The saddest thing about these traditional families, is they don't force you - there is no violence, no anger. Just the entire weight of a clan's expectations, that slowly, inexorably, crush you into submission. If you don't they just double their expectations, come at you more frequently, complacent in the knowledge that you will succumb at some point of time, its never failed to work before. Its almost a tradition!

Training Types

Looking around the table…

Yuppie Sales guy: He’s read all the relevant books, has prepared client briefs with exhaustive details including fetishes for smelly underwear, the aspirational guy who is the first to jump up and present, demo-ing that he’s listening…he’s all there, no matter he says all that he shouldn’t.

Blow-hard “I’m here to show my peers I’ve arrived” sales guy: Da man with all da answers. Been there, done that, can’t let go of the t-shirt. BSD is the memorable phenomenon that Michael Lewis i.d.-d. He can’t stop talking of how he handles clients oh-so-very differently, how he accesses the higher levels with panache. If only he stopped and listened hard, he’d hear the sound of no one caring a hoot. Such behaviour is usually the result of a mistaken assumption that your audience has no idea what you are about. These are the guys who talk continually of a sales guy’s life being terribly exciting (daily), no matter that half the time, you are chasing a squiggle on a purchase order that will save your ass for precisely 3 days (till next week’s review). I know what you are thinking…sounds…cynical. Right?

Of course it does! That brings me to the next type. The Cynic – this one’s close to my heart. It’s me! The kind who attends the training with a bored look, fighting sleep constantly, smirking @ the above two types, and of course updating a blog! For the world of me I don’t understand sitting in a hall hearing a very nice (I have to be honest) lady trying to explain solution selling. Its all very well, but when I want to talk strategy, my client wants me to find the missing parts! When I write to the CEO, saying I might have something relevant to him, he scrolls down, sees my designation, and presses Shift + Delete!

There is one last type that holds out hope for humanity. These are the Nice Guys – guys who are there knowing it is a waste of time, but are willing to give it a hearing; guys who are capable of giving their full attention to the goings-on and respect the idea behind the training. Nice guys these – they are even willing to take some learnings away from the jing-bang! More power to them, the nicest chaps on this beleaguered planet!

The city of 100 spires....

There ARE some perks to working in Sales...once a year, the powers that be decide that they have had enough laughs at the sales force's expense, no more torturing for orders that won't or can't come in anyways, no more demeaning waiting-in-client-reception-for-acting-pricey-client, no more ego-crushing, self-respect destroying exercises in order-picking. Its the end of the year, so go forth and recharge!
This usually means a jamboree in a distant land (for those in India at least), in a 30-hour nightmare flight in steerage, a time to reflect, retrospect and presumably rejuvenate. The smarter amongst us, combines a holiday, pre- or post- this meeting, company pays the long haul, see? A two-week break from clients appears tinted in pink and dressed in rose petals at the end of a grueling last month...so I scoured the net for possible locations at 1 hour flying distance from Frankfurt and finally decide - Praha!Prague - city of medieval mystery, golems, ghosts, knights in battered armour, castles, legends and magic!
Often, there are places that look glossy, attractive, and seeped in history, only for reality to be jarringly different and often disappointing. Prague, thankfully is not one of these. I did have to put up with great weather that seemed to have brought every holidaying family, ageing spinster in Western Europe, out in droves. The bright sunshine also meant that castles and churches instead of appearing gloomy and mysterious, appear beautiful and accessible. But still, it is amazingly pretty, fantistically preserved and very friendly.
Legends abound...the knight turned to stone by his virginal bride, who appears every year to claim a new one...the rabbi who made an image of himself in mud, for it to turn into the violent golem, of clashing faiths, reappearing priests and babies fighting off the Devil himself! There is an abundance of architectural styles - gothic, renaissance, modern, roman...all in amiable co-existence.

And churches....100s of them...scattered all over, with a cycle of faiths that have all imprinted themselves! The townhall tower, offers a magnificent view across the Old Town and every turn of the head, brings up a new spire, more ornate than before. Dominating the landscape is the castle's St. Vitus Cathedral - a Gothic structure with amazing murals and the tomb of every nobleman and royalty to have frequented the place. The more money you donated to the Church, the closer to the main altar you got buried and the more ornate your tomb - the meek shall inherit the earth!!
Prague Castle (from the outside at least) was a disappointment, looking like a bad 5* hotel - I don't understand why palaces can qualify to be castles and hills become mountains in Europe! Prague retains traces of its Communist recent-past and people still seem to be sorting out details including rent-control and free education. 1968 when the Russians rolled in their tanks, is fresh in their memory, and the smart youngsters of today mill around old women dressed in black lace, carrying groceries like treasure.
The city is amazing by night and the Prague of medieval times seems to play hide-and-seek in low light. If you strain your ears, you can almost hear the clip-clops of horse-drawn carraiges and imagine the night watchman patrolling the streets in a black cape and lantern. You blink, only to realise the carriages are real with scores of tourists and the black figure is a student by day and guide by night! Such is life...in Prague where dream and reality seem to meld...where you can straddle centuries in a day and relax with light Czech beer by night!