I was watching this Tamil movie - "Yaaradi Nee Mohini" - which features what the filmmaker thinks is a traditional Iyengar family. The filmmaker's idea of orthodoxy struck me as silly, an immature attempt at slapstick, and definitely not funny. But this post is not about that. The story goes that this traditional family is the one forcing the heroine into a marriage she doesnt want. Not by brute force, but just the burden of expectations.
That set of a train of thought on how tradition and the families hidebound to it, shape the lives of women in India, and possibly elsewhere. I can't talk of other countries, or possibly even other cultures within India, so I'll stick to Iyengardom, as I know it.
Typical scenario, the family (nuclear also), and its immediate surroundings are seeped in "tradition". Tradition means celebrating every festival with ALL the rituals, no matter how impractical. Every religious occasion - new moon, full moon, crescents in between, month beginning, month end, saturday, tuesday, thursday and all days in between - are observed with appropriate piety. Men and women, supposedly have assigned roles and should stick to them, with..ahem...exceptions.
This is carried to the extreme and results in ridiculous situations! Like the time my aunt me I couldn't join a new job on a pre-set date - it was a Navami (god knows whats wrong with the number 9, other religions praise it!). I had to explain to her that the corporate world works just a tad differently and I better join if I wanted to have a job! Or the fact that my mom insists that dad and I get out of the house first, whenever the family goes out - threes are unlucky, see! I tell my mom she should have planned better - can't estrange herself from my father every 5 minutes to make up!
These things might sound harmless enough, but they are like ivy, creeping up on you slowly, choking the life out of you, slowly...very slowly. There are constant irritants that leave you longing to escape, leave you shaking your head in disbelief. See, its not all backward - thats the most incidious part of the situation. These families educate their women, send them to work even, but still they have to follow TRADITION, no matter how much it harms their lifestyle!
Its not done through coercion, its done through conditioning. For a long time, I beleived that having a period was "unclean"...something to be ashamed of! Biology classes didn't help - this was Madras and no one explained very clearly what was happening. I had to (and still do) sleep separately, on a plank (that has changed now, after some 15 years) with a rexin pillow. I was given water in a separate bottle and had to stick to one chair (only) for 3 days - these things continue even today! I couldn't go into the kitchen (that one I don't do anyways ;-))...I couldn't go near the gods for sure...I couldn't take the food plate from my mom's hands - had to pick it off the floor, no matter I had cramps that left me (and still do) crying out loud! Oh, by the way, I had to bear the pain of those cramps - tablets were considered harmful! Pain that left me confused, bewildered, wondering how my mom couldn't understand my suffering, pain I couldn't share with others - it made me feel guilty.
Enough of icky things, there are other "important" things you say? Let me tell you something - I hit puberty at 11, I am 29 now - that makes it 18 years now, 216 periods in all, 648 days or nearly 2 years of pain, humilaition and irritation. How would you take it? Do tell...and I'm not alone. I had classmates, friends all through who were meted out this treatment in varying degrees. Girls who were turning into women, with no idea what that meant...who were expected to study and perform as well as the boys, with none of the freedoms that the guys took for granted.
But, there are other things, even more dangerous. Marriage, most important of all. Again, drawing from experience, it took till age 18, when I reached college for me to question, accept and like the idea that "love" marriages are ok, they are not done by "bad" girls. This probably explains why I've lurched from one dysfunctional relationship to another since then - but I'll save that for another post.
Traditional families rear their girls on a staple of "Good girls listen to their parents". Good girls wait till after education, marry a groom chosen by their parents, have babies and "settle down" whatever that means! Good girls know that to look at men before marriage is "bad", to fall in "love" sacrilege, and to actually have a marriage for "love" unthinkable! Love was (and is) a four-letter foul word in these families. Marriages are "arranged" - horoscopes are matched, families are investigated, wealth and education are assessed. Likes and dislikes didn't matter - the girl is expected to "adjust", even today! Things have changed, even my friends claim! Oh yes, they have - "love" marriages are ok now, as long as the bride and groom are from the same community, earn similar amounts. Money makes up for a lot of shortcomings, you know.
This "progressive" outlook is what makes moms (all of them) I meet say, its ok, you girls (unmarried women like me), are free to choose your guy - just ensure they are Brahmin, Tamil, working in US/UK, earning a lot, are educated like you. Ha! I can look for a partner for life, just that he should be tailored to their requirements than mine. Some marriage that would be. The saddest thing about these traditional families, is they don't force you - there is no violence, no anger. Just the entire weight of a clan's expectations, that slowly, inexorably, crush you into submission. If you don't they just double their expectations, come at you more frequently, complacent in the knowledge that you will succumb at some point of time, its never failed to work before. Its almost a tradition!
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5 comments:
I, as an American, lived in Chennai for two years about 10 years ago. I stayed in a home like the one you're describing and during the 'unclean' time. For me it was a total culture shock. I was not allowed out of my room, food was left outside the door on a different type of plate, and the maid shouted at me from downstairs. I cried for hours as coming from a country where women wear bikini and swim during this time (which I find gross...) to staying in a house I could not even look at the others because I was 'unclean'...This experience really helped me understand Indian culture on a different level. I appreciate the experience. I like the fact that girls can use period as a time to rest...I know I need it for the pains and moodiness...Popping pills can be helpful!!! Too bad you could not.. but what about any ayurvedic solutions?
And what you said about "just ensure they are Brahmin, Tamil, working in US/UK, earning a lot, are educated like you." If a parent allows this it was actually considered 'open minded' among my friends circle (Tamil Brahmins...)And on top of this.. if the boy and girl met and fulfilled all these requirements of course horoscopes needed to match --- even at the bribery of the astrologer to do so!!!
My other last thought on your post is though we as 'youngsters' of any culture complain about our parents rules and superstitions, how do we prevent ourselves from falling into these traps out of habit or the only thing we have learned when we get older and have our own families?
I am come from a more 'progressive' TamBrahm family. Women in the family aren't treated like outcasts or unclean, but yes, the status of a girl is always below that of a boy. Worse still is the process of getting a girl married. If the boy says yes, then the girl hardly gets to say no. There is no use of force, only coercion. I consider myself lucky for having escaped that, but things haven't changed at all. The funny thing is - most girls I've known seemed to be fine with the state of affairs. That's something I've never been able to understand.
Wow I haven't known about some of the restrictions that you have described. I am a Sourashtra Brahmin (but we eat meat!) and we do this to some extent - which is women not going to Pooja room. Other than that they are free to do anything else. It is a pity to see people still follow these inspite of advancements in science. As for the pill, I wouldn't advice taking them. but if there is a natural remedy that will be good. As per my thoughts Pills are addictive and side effects kill your body's natural rhythm.
Well..i too can understand your plight. But, what surprises me is that even after almost three decades of life - one is just able update the blog on the issue, but not able to break free from ridiculous rituals! Why?
Is it only the "expectation of others" that is to be blamed?
Are we supposed to meet all the expectations of all others, always?
lady, since i have taken over from you the mantle of needless thinking, why don't you start putting in something out here, its been some time.
:-)
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